My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
