the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
