Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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