laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
