Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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