I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
