Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
