just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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