i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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