Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
