there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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