Whod you bang
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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