onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
