she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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