I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
