I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Is it penis luge time yet?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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