I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i need some magic done to my vagina
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
