I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
