She is in my trunk
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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