put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
is wine microwaveable?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
