So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
