What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
