Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
