is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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