why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
