did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
