Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
