The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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