i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
