I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
