You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
