guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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