that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
