I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
