Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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