I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
