my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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