Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
