Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
