Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
