I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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