I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
