You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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