he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
