I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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