I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
