hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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