Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
