Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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