my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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