I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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