I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
