just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
So squirting runs in the family.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
