Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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