I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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