Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
