Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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