the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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