broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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