i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
